


You're too old to be this shy

by lanseloet (orphan_account)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Child Abuse, F/M, Gen, M/M, Rape, Rape of a Minor, Self Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 22:46:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1165488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/lanseloet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had been nine and he had only just lost his mother. He hadn’t known what to do but he knew it was so wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by a few things. Firstly I kept noticing the tension between agent McCall and Stiles. Then I watched the finale of Broadchurch. Plus the songs Candles by daughter (which is where I took the title from) and The Dark I Know Well from Spring Awakening. 
> 
> I realise this is a very fucked up thing to write about and I in no way want to romanticize these things. If someone is hurting you or you know someone who is hurting a person please report it. If you are triggered by the following: rape, suicide or child abuse, I suggest you don't read this work. 
> 
> This work is unbeta'd, if you see any mistakes please let me know.

Stiles stares at Agent McCall and he daren’t speak nor breath. Agent McCall stares back at him. Stiles blinked, “I hate you.” He states softly. “I hate you.”

“You keep saying that,” Agent McCall replies.

It was true, Stiles did hate him so much. This was the man that had left his best friend behind and Stiles had been there to watch all of it happen. Agent McCall had also been the one who visited Stiles in the guest room whenever he stayed over. Stiles stayed over a lot after his mother’s death, his father just couldn’t take care of him and Melissa didn’t want Stiles to get hurt. If only she had known how badly Stiles got hurt whenever he was at their place. He would never tell her and Scott, they already thought the man was a terrible person he didn’t need to make it worse.

That had always been the problem. Stiles hadn’t been able to make it stop because he didn’t dare to say anything about it, almost certain he would get blamed. He knew better now, but still this was his best friend’s father. It almost didn’t matter what he did, he was finally there for Scott.

“Why did you leave?” Stiles askes, glaring at the man in front of him.

“I couldn’t  go on like that.” Agent McCall sighs.

“So you knew what you were doing was wrong?” Stiles raises  an eyebrow, a bitter laugh escapes from his mouth. “That what you did to me is wrong?”

“Stiles.” Agent McCall says softly and he moves forward. Stiles is certain the man wants to touch him and he isn’t going to let that happen, not again, so he pushes him away.

“I was nine!” Stiles screams. He had been nine and he had only just lost his mother. He hadn’t known what to do but he knew it was so wrong. “I was nine and you ruined my life.” He pushes Agent McCall again.

“You’re special.” Agent McCall says. Stiles stares at him in disbelief, was he seriously going to say that again, because Stiles could recall all the times he’d said it before. Almost nightly, fucking asshole.

“Fuck off,” Stiles screams, “If it weren’t for Scott I would have reported you ages ago.”

“For Scott?” McCall asks, he looks puzzled.

“You know what I mean. For Scott so he doesn’t have to deal with the fact that his father is an even bigger asshole than he already thought.”

“I’m not an asshole.” McCall says, determined. Again, Stiles laughs bitterly. Briefly he thinks he won’t be able to stop laughing.

“You raped me when I was a kid. You bailed on your own family. You are trying to get my dad lose his job.” Stiles states. “How are you not an asshole?” he asks, “Enlighten me because I’m a little lost here.”

“Stiles, I am a good person.” Agent McCall says, like he had before. “Truly.”

“Because you’re part of the FBI you mean?” Stiles says and snorts, “I wonder what they’d think if I told them what you did, I mean sex with a minor doesn’t do all too well I’d think.”

“You will not do that.” McCall says angrily and pushes Stiles against the wall. Stiles knees him in the balls.

“Who says I won’t.” Stiles says. His anger matches McCall’s.

And why wouldn’t he? What if there was another kid that McCall would call special? He and Scott were the good guys, so he needed to do this, because that’s what good guys did. The good guys always caught the bad guys. He should have done it years ago. Proving it now would be difficult.

He remembers his tenth birthday. He couldn’t have it at his own house because his dad had been drinking again. Melissa had picked him up and gotten him a proper cake. It had been good, mostly, but of course he had to stay the night again. He dreaded it. He knew Mr McCall would come into the guest room again and touch him.

And he did, nothing new, same old darkness. “You’re special, Stiles.” Mr McCall said, wiping away Stiles’ tears. The boy had gotten good at crying in silence. He stared at Mr McCall with wide eyes. “It’s alright, my boy.” The man started to touch him, Stiles shuddered. He knew this was wrong, he had learned it from his mother before she died. She had said that grown-ups shouldn’t touch him like that. He didn’t know how to make it stop, Mr McCall had said people would hate Stiles if he said anything about it.

Mr McCall usually didn’t go this far, he had only done so twice before. “It’s for your birthday,” He smiled, ‘Don’t be shy boy.” He had said. It only made Stiles cry more. Mr McCall had undressed himself. Stiles froze up, lied there completely passive as Mr McCall tried to enter him. He kept crying even after the man left.

When Melissa asked why he’d been crying the next morning he said he wished his life would be like before his mother died. He wasn’t quite lying.

Stiles stares at Agent McCall. “You ruined my life,” he says. “I was so scared and hurt and you kept doing those things to me.” He never quite named ‘those things’ by what they really were. It made things worse, because then he couldn’t push it away. McCall stands up again and corners him.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Stiles.” Agent McCall touches his face. Stiles starts to cry, and tries to push him away again but he’s up against the wall and he as helpless as when he was a kid. “You’re special, my boy.” He says. Stiles holds his breath, if he could just die now that would be very nice. “Don’t be shy.” McCall says softly and steals a kiss. Stiles doesn’t reciprocate. That is something he will never do.

“Don’t be shy, Stiles.” McCall says again. Stiles shudders. He can tell what happens next.

The bastard leaves Stiles alone afterwards. He just forgot to say that Stiles needs to stay quiet. That Stiles is underage, that when he tells McCall will have to deal with this at last. He is going to pay for his actions, Stiles will see to it.

When they arrest McCall, Stiles apologizes to Scott and Melissa. Melissa starts to cry, says she should have known. Scott hugs him, and it’s nothing like his father’s hugs. Scott hugs are nice and kind of like home.

His father blames himself and it hurts Stiles to watch, because it’s kind of like when his mother died. He won’t let it get that way again. So he starts talking about what happened more and more. Makes sure that everyone knows it was McCall’s fault and no one else’s. They didn’t do this to him, McCall did.

McCall hangs himself in his prison cell a few months later. No one attends the funeral. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write more in this 'verse, because somehow my brain isn't done with this. I'm not sure how many chapters I'll post, but most of them will be short. This part is all over the place by the way, more so than the first chapter of this work. 
> 
> Again, I don't want to romanticize any of this. It's fucked up and horrible. I am writing this to deal with some things in my own life, but wanted to share the story. Trigger warnings: Suicide, Self Harm, Child Abuse, Rape and Alchoholism. Most of these things are mentioned, but I figured people deserve a warning nonetheless.
> 
> This work is unbeta'd. Feel free to point out mistakes.

Stiles is unable to forget what happened, what McCall did to him. He remembers every touch and every word, every whisper and every promise. He remembers what he didn’t do and should have done. At night he lies awake thinking of different scenarios, usually he ends back at the start and relives what already happened. Every touch and every whisper, the guest room because “He and Scott should be in separate rooms, they’re getting so big now.” McCall said that to Melissa a lot, and Melissa caved in. Stiles keeps telling himself, as a reminder, that he doesn’t blame her.

He should have screamed, and kicked, and made a scene. Should’ve told, should’ve done something. How could he though? He was nine, and still looked up to McCall. “Scott will be jealous if you tell.” McCall had said, and Stiles had believed him. He didn’t want Scott to feel bad so he kept his mouth shut.

Even though his mother had told him he shouldn’t allow these kinds of things. How could he hurt Scott? Besides his mother wasn’t there, he was so lonely.

At night he remembers and he hates. Hates himself, hates McCall, hates his mother for dying and leaving him by himself, hates his father for not getting his shit together on time.

He hates Melissa and he hates Scott. He hates the world for not knowing what was happening. He hates himself for not doing anything and he hates McCall for doing these things. McCall should have known better, he had to know the law you didn’t become an FBI agent without knowing these sort of things.

Anyone would know these things, his mother said, some people just didn’t obey these laws. Meant to protect his 9-year-old self from McCall.

He remembers the touches, late at night. “Why don’t you call me Rafael?” McCall said, back when Stiles still said Mr McCall, back when he still admired the man. More even than his father, oh how times had changed.

The touches got worse and worse, and Stiles lost his innocence. It was replaced by fear and hatred. Hatred he carved into his skin when McCall had left, fear that made him anxious. Made him feel as if he was dying, like he couldn’t breathe.

After the last time, the very last time, Stiles’ panic attacks had come back. People looked at him differently now and it made him uneasy. They hadn’t cared about him before, so why would they care now? He was still the same.

When he and Lydia try to have sex for the first time, he breaks down in tears and leaves. He can’t do this yet, he’s not sure if he will ever be able to.

‘Don’t be shy boy,” McCall said “Now don’t cry boy.” He wiped away the tears, but they kept coming. They would keep coming until morning light shone through the window. McCall would stare at him and Stiles would lie. Melissa always believed him. So did Scott. His father was usually nursing a hangover when Stiles came back home.

When strangers asked him Stiles told them he was a virgin, because he wanted to be and he had told people that for years. He didn’t want his first time to have been taken so violently. To have been used and broken by McCall.

They want Stiles to see therapists but he refuses. He doesn’t want to talk, he wants to forget, wants the world to forget so they will stop staring.

“You’ve been good today, Stiles now don’t ruin it.” McCall had said once or twice. And it made Stiles scared because he was so often told by people he didn’t do well enough. McCall had known that of course. He had used and exploited that information, broke Stiles with it.

The worst nights were the nights when McCall entered him, it wasn’t meant to be like that. His body could not take it, couldn’t adjust. McCall didn’t care about that though, didn’t care about Stiles.

Maybe that was the worst part, that McCall didn’t even care that he was hurting Stiles, that he was ruining a life, that he made Stiles feel even lonelier.

In a way he’s glad McCall killed himself, it means it’s over. It doesn’t feel over though, at night Stiles lies awake, scared the man will come by and hurt him. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop feeling that way. So he carves into his skin until it bleeds, just to forget for a moment. It always comes back, always.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knows it will take a while to heal, Lydia explained it to him. It’s weird he thinks, how McCall could ruin him in such short amount of time, but how healing will take much longer. There are days when he doesn’t know if healing is worth the effort, if he shouldn’t be that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of a suicide attempt, if this is triggering for you it might be better to not read this. This chapter is mostly focused on Stiles/Lydia, but does have mentions of Rafael/Stiles, though nothing explicit.

Stiles looks at Lydia and he knows where this is going, knows what will happen and what he should do. He can’t think of these things without thinking of McCall and he realises that that is a problem. Because when Lydia puts her hand on his chest, it makes him nervous and he almost throws up. When she removes his shirt, he can’t hold it anymore. He can’t stop himself from panicking, so he runs away.

It’s all too much like McCall, and while Lydia can’t help it, Stiles doesn’t want to relive that. Doesn’t want that asshole to pop into his head when he’s with Lydia. What he and Lydia have, that’s love. What he and McCall had was far from that.

He realises he has been running for hours, or at least that’s what it feels like. He texts Lydia a quick ‘sorry’ she needs to know this is not because of her, not her fault. It’s McCall’s, Stiles reminds himself, McCall did this to him. It’s his fault, always will be.

That’s what Stiles tells everyone, that it is McCall’s fault even though it feels like it’s his. His best friend doesn’t have a father because of him, his girlfriend can’t have sex with him, his father can’t even look at him. Stiles even thinks that his mother is disappointed, because she had warned him, to not let these things happen. He had let it happen, McCall was wrong in so many ways, but Stiles let it happen.

People might say that it wasn’t his fault, but he should have done something. Anything that might’ve have stopped McCall.

Lydia visits him the next day, he surprised she still wants to see him. “This is something we can build up to,” She says, keeps some distance between them, which Stiles appreciates a lot. “It doesn’t have to happen right away, I want you to feel okay more than anything.” She smiles. Stiles nods.

“Thank you,” He says softly.

“This will take a lot of time obviously,” Lydia says and he almost expects her to say she’s breaking up with him. “I did some research and we can work through this slowly but surely.”

“I’m not going to see a therapist,” Stiles says resolutely. “They make me nervous.” He went to one once or twice after his mom died and refused to go after that.

“You don’t have to go to a therapist Stiles,” Lydia smiles reassuringly. “We’ll do this together.”

“Okay,” Stiles says, though this too makes him a little nervous.

He knows it will take a while to heal, Lydia explained it to him. It’s weird he thinks, how McCall could ruin him in such short amount of time, but how healing will take much longer. There are days when he doesn’t know if healing is worth the effort, if he shouldn’t be that.

Once he cuts up his arm, instead of across. He had read about it once and it should kill him faster. Lydia finds him and he regrets it immediately, he could have known she would find him. She always found the bodies.

Now each time he wants to kill himself he calls Lydia, which she had made him promise. She talks him through it each time, he’s pretty sure she has read tons of handbooks for these situations and remembers them all.

Sometimes he shares things with Lydia, about what happened. Tells her what McCall did and said. She always reassures him, tells him it’s not his fault. It’s nice to hear from her, even though he doesn’t believe it. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little short and basically includes the same trigger warnings as usual, Again if it makes you uncomfortable please don't read it, it's not worth it. 
> 
> This work is unbeta'd, so let me know if you find any mistakes. 
> 
> Take care x

For a while Stiles wanted to protect McCall. It is so much easier to deal with the demon you know, and if you get rid of that demon, which one will you get in return?

When he tells Lydia about this she stares at him in disbelief, people always do really. She asks him why, and he repeats his words. What would he get in return?  He had been young, scared and confused. He hadn’t known what to do and McCall kept telling him he wasn’t allowed to tell, that it would hurt people, that they’d blame Stiles.

The last thing Stiles wanted to do was cause drama, there had already been so much drama when his mom died and he didn’t want to go through that again. He couldn’t go through that again. So no he’d rather have McCall than whatever demon would come next.

McCall kept telling him it was love, and Stiles knew that wasn’t true. Love wasn’t meant to hurt like this, love wasn’t meant to break you apart and tear you into pieces. Love was what his parents had before his mom died, and this was far removed from that.

Sometimes people ask Stiles why he didn’t fight back. How could he fight back? He had been nine for god’s sake. Nine, scared and confused. He had wanted to fight back but he didn’t know how.  McCall had power and he didn’t. McCall was strong and he was skinny and defenceless.

The nightmares never stop, and he always asks himself, “What could I have done?” He still blames himself, years after it happened. He blames himself because Scott doesn’t have a father now. He blames himself because people look at him differently, and it doesn’t feel like pity. He blames himself because he knows Lydia wants more, and he can’t give that to her.

Later he finds out that Derek understands more than anyone. Derek tells him about Kate, all the details of what happened before the fire. So Stiles tells him the details about McCall, realises that Derek is now the only one that knows everything.


End file.
